


Dan and Phil cook... That Peanut Thing

by bugdude



Series: Dan and Phil Cooking [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bants, Cooking, Cooking Videos, M/M, Phil Is a Little Shit, a lot of bants, aubergines, camera perspective, fond, joint content, loud!dan, so much fond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:14:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28526805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugdude/pseuds/bugdude
Summary: Dan and Phil want to show the viewers a very simple dish they often make. They kind of fuck it up.akaIf they won't give us joint content, I'll do it myself.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: Dan and Phil Cooking [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2089695
Comments: 17
Kudos: 50





	Dan and Phil cook... That Peanut Thing

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write joint content vids for a while, and then i saw [this](https://twitter.com/legalizecatboys/status/1345345184901591041?s=20) twitter exchange and boom, here is what I had a few hours later. I hope you like it!

“Hello, Dan and Phil aubergines!”, Phil says, smiling brightly at the camera.

Dan shakes his head. “Oh no, no way, we’re not doing this again.”

“But Dan-”

“Nope. I’m laying my foot down."  


Phil pouts at the camera. “Okay. Well, then we need to come up with a different intro.”

“Do we? Or do we just feel like we have to because YouTube makes it so hard to become known that all major creators had to find some way of being rememberable and the whole intro thing then got so deeply ingrained in YouTube culture that we now can’t function without it?”

Phil stares at Dan for a moment, then turns back to the camera. “Sure. What about ‘Hey there, Dan and Phil cock’-” He cuts himself off and starts giggling.

“Phil!! What the fuck are you on?” Dan reaches over and shakes Phil by the shoulders. “How the heckidy hack have you made that slip up _twice_ on this channel now?”

Phil shrugs, still giggling. “I mean, it definitely helped with the whole coming out thing.”

“Jesus. Okay. This has gotten off to an interesting start. Why don’t we forget about intros for now and just tell the viewers why we’ve gathered them all here today?”

“Well, we’re here because Dan can now cook pasta without burning it!”

“Fuck off.”

Phil grins. “We’re here because we realized that a lot of you guys really loved the gaming channel and the baking videos, and we had a lot of fun making those, so we wanted to find a way to be able to do something like that again.”

“Yeah, and since not everyone loved the video games and we’d kind of established that we’ll never be Bake Off worthy, we came up with-”

“Dan and Phil Cooking!” Phil frowns. “Hm. We’re not completely happy with the name yet.”

“It’s a work in progress. As you can see, this is the former gaming channel, which for now we’ve renamed as just ‘Dan and Phil’– we’ll have to see if we’ll just keep it like that or end up making another channel for the cooking.” He shakes his head. “We have way too many channels.”

“We’d love to hear from you guys in the comments about what you’d prefer! As well as name suggestions.”

“And I will block every one of you fuckers who says something inappropriate. You’ve been warned.”

Phil turns to Dan. “So Dan, how is this going to work? Are we making cooking tutorials or more Gordon Ramsey roast material?”

Dan laughs. “Believe it or not, me and Phil actually do cook quite often, so I think we’re hoping to make it past Gordon this time- at least there’s a much lower risk of Phil eating all the ingredients.”

“I actually may have had a bit of a snack on some of those peanuts.”

“For fuck’s sake.” Dan waves at the camera. “Hi Gordon.”

“We don’t need that many anyway, it’ll be fine. And I figured you would have learned by now to hide the ingredients better.”

“I wasn’t aware that I had to hide fucking peanuts from you, jeez.”

“Next time you’ll know.”

“Great,” Dan says, taking a deep breath. “Should we reveal what we’ll be making today?”

“Isn’t that in the title already?”

“Okay, well-“ 

Phil cuts him off with a gasp. “No, wait, I want to use the fireworks!”

“You and the damn fireworks.”

“Or- hang on- I’ve got something even better.”

“I already know that I deeply disagree with this.”

Phil runs off-camera and Dan is left alone, rolling his eyes. There’s a jump cut, and Phil is back, holding a familiar object.

“It’s the announcement moose!”, he says, presenting it to Dan.

“I hate everything about this.”

“Dan, you have to blow in the moose’s ass.”

“No. Why didn’t this thing get lost in the move again?”

“I was extra careful this time.”

“Of course you were.”

“Blow the moose.”

“I-”

“Do it.”

“I’d just like everyone to know that Phil just spent ten minutes looking for this thing. He couldn’t even be bothered to set it out earlier.”

“Blow it.”

Dan raises his eyes at the camera and then, with a sigh, grabs the moose from Phil and blows in its ass.

“Toot.”

Phil grins. “We’re making aubergines with peanut sauce!” He cocks his head. “Peanuty aubergines?”

“I don’t think we have a proper name for it. This is something I cook for us sometimes and Phil usually calls it ‘that peanut thing’.”

“Oh, right, that’s it.”

“Basically you just cook some aubergine in some peanut butter and dump it all on top of rice. Very easy, no pasta involved. Although Phil is right, I have moved past the pasta burning stage.”

“We can do pasta next time!”

“Sure. And at some point we might actually try to challenge ourselves. Right now we’re hungry, so we wanted to make edible dinner.”

“Does Delia Smith have any cooking recipes?” Phil asks, laughing at Dan’s subsequent expression of annoyance.

“Why would you- I hate it here.”

“It was a relevant question!”

Dan shakes his head. “Aaand wrapping up this disgustingly long introduction, here is what you will need.”

There’s a jump cut, and Phil jumps in from the side of the screen, holding two aubergines. “Two medium sized aubergines!”

“But size doesn’t matter,” Dan interjects, winking at the camera.

“3 tablespoons of peanut butter!” They both gaze admiringly at the jar of peanut butter Phil holds over their heads.

Dan shoves a clearly opened can of peanuts in Phil’s face. “100 grams of roasted peanuts, preferably uneaten.”

“Hey!”

“Some rice!”

“A clove of garlic.”

“No vampires allowed here,” Dan says, grinning manically.

“Are there people who are sexually attracted to vampires?”

“Twilight, Phil.”

“Right.”

“Moving on from that.”

“Salt and pepper and chili flakes, except Dan only puts them on his because he’s freakishly immune to spice.”

“Soy sauce!”

“And water.”

Dan claps his hands. “I’m pretty sure that’s all the ingredients. All the equipment you need is a cutting board, a knife, and a frying pan.”

“Can I use the pan to hit you like in Tangled?”

“No.”

“Okay, so what do I do then?”

Dan stares at Phil. “You have actually made this with me before, you don’t have to play dumb.”

“But then how will the viewers learn? You have to instruct me!”

“For fuck’s sake- fine. Cut up the aubergines into bite-size pieces.”

“Are we going to have to put a language warning on this video?”

“I’ll attempt to control myself. Although I stand by the fact that our audience should be well accustomed to my filthy mouth by now.”

“But what if a grandma watches this to find out how to make the peanut thing?”

“Yes, that seems very likely.”

“It is.”

“Get back to chopping.”

There’s a time lapse while Phil chops the aubergine and Dan minces the garlic and roughly chops the peanuts. It goes back to normal speed for a few seconds when Phil steals a peanut from Dan’s board and Dan slaps him, then speeds up again. The next shot is a shaky close up of their faces next to the stove, clearly filmed on a phone.

“Welcome to the cooking station,” Dan says, gesturing behind him.

“What do we do now?”

Dan looks at Phil, contemplates, and sighs. “You’ll want to heat up a tablespoon of oil- oh shit, we forgot to list the oil in the ingredients.”

“One tablespoon of oil!”, Phil exclaims, shoving the bottle of oil at the camera.

Dan laughs. “Alright, so you just heat up the oil and then add the garlic and aubergine and shove it all around until it looks cooked.”

“Is that really the only instruction you’re going to give the viewers?”

“I don’t know what else to say! Oh, I guess you can add your seasoning at this point. Here, get a close up of me stirring.”

There’s another time lapse of the aubergines being stirred and slowly cooking in the pan, then it cuts back to Dan and Phil’s faces.”

“Right, now it’s time to add the peanut butter,” Dan says brandishing the jar at Phil. “You do the scooping, I’ll make sounds.”

“Dan-”

“We don’t have any neighbours on the other side of the wall! Let me be loud!” He winks at the camera.

Phil sighs and starts spooning peanut butter into the pan. Dan moans loudly each time.

“So you just want to stir that around, and then add a splash of soy sauce and enough water to thin out the sauce-” Dan groans. “Phil, we forgot the fucking rice.”

“Oh! Well, um, before you start any of this, you should start cooking your rice! I’ll do that now.”

“Great. I really thought this would finally prove that we’re not totally incapable of making food, but clearly that was too much to ask.”

“It’s fine, Dannyboi. They’re here for the bants, remember?”

“Yeah. Okay.” Dan runs his fingers through his hair. “Alright. Since your rice will be cooking already, now you can just add your crushed-up peanuts and keep everything on low heat until the rice is done.” He sighs. “See you in twenty minutes.”

The next shot is of them back at the counter, this time with two plates, a pot of rice and the frying pan next to them.

“Since we don’t have much of a decoration station toady, we’re just going to show us scooping this onto our plates,” Dan says, gesturing at the food.

“Dan always tries to make it really fancy,” Phil adds. “Except then we eat it on the sofa in front of the telly, so it really doesn’t matter.”

“Stop arguing with my need for aesthetics.”

“Go ahead then.”

“Right. I really don’t do that much; I just like wiping down the sides of the plates,” Dan says, scooping rice and the aubergine dish onto both plates. He then wipes around the edges with a piece of kitchen towel while Phil looks at him fondly.

“So there you go, that’s how we make that peanut thi- Phil?” Dan cuts himself off and stares at where Phil has just run off camera.

Phil reappears with an armful of candy. “Time for the decoration station!”, he exclaims, dumping the candy on the counter.

Dan yelps. “Phiil!” he shouts, but Phil has is already placing gummy bears and chocolate mini eggs on top of both of their plates of food.

Dan plonks his head down on the counter and leaves it there while Phil continues artistically arranging the candy. At some point Dan lifts his head up and looks at Phil with a fond expression.

“I actually hate you,” Dan says, but he’s smiling.

Phil grins, clearly satisfied. “And there you go! Our very first cooking video is complete.”

Dan groans. “You absolute spork. I really hope anyone who came here expecting an actual cooking tutorial left before that absolute massacre. What happened to having an edible dinner?”

“Oh.” Phil looks down at his plate, then shrugs. “Maybe it’ll be okay? Sweet and savoury things go together, right?”

Dan shakes his head. “Okay, yeah, this is over. We’re gonna go and attempt to eat this.”

Phil, who has already left the frame with his food, pokes his head back in. “You can click up there to subscribe to mine and Dan’s channels. And please leave us comments with feedback and ideas about this whole thing. Bye!”

Dan picks up his food and follows Phil. “See you soon guys! I really hope your dinner is better than mine.”

**dansauberginesarenotonfire**

**AmazingPeanutThing**

**Author's Note:**

> This was insanely fun to write and I kind of want to keep doing it, so I'd be really grateful for any feedback you have. Thanks for reading!


End file.
